You may be wondering how I am managing to write this, as my Fisher Space Pen was left sitting on the Cool Down desk when we were heaved through the temporal rift. Against my better judgment, I've allowed Tod to teach the caveman how to make fire. I'm using the charred ends of twigs to inscribe this message on a piece of sabretooth tiger hide. The rest I fashioned into a new, warmer, labcoat.
The reason I'm keeping this journal is primarily as an apology to the future. We've done so much more than bending blades of grass that I can only hypothesize what drastic changes Tod's actions have had on the future. The dystopia that you most likely are living in is no doubt due to Tod's interactions with the caveman we've met. I ask that you might forgive him, he knows not what he does.
Anyway, I'll write more later. The three of us are about to watch one of my favorite films, The Dead Zone, on Tod's iPhone.
Greetings. I have finally crawled out of bed today for the first time in about sixteen to seventeen hours. Time sure does seem to slip away does it not? Who can keep track of the days when the only thing marking the passage of one to the next is the number of talking heads I am going to see on a "The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer" repeat that will be on when I get home from one of my assorted after dusk victory binges? I sure do love to be informed but sometimes information can be hard to digest (or even read for that matter!).
I guess my point is that run on sentences are a lot like policy decisions. The authors cram as much as they possibly can into each one until the point is lost and the audience is uninterested. Thankfully, I being the author of one of these just three sentences previous, I know this technique allows for both as little and as much time to be wasted all at once! Isn't that something?
The audience's time is spent trying to parse the words of men and women who feel no need to have a train of thought. The author's time however was spent at maximum efficiency, churning out as much as a paragraph's worth of information in just one sentence! In the example we find ourselves in at present I the author prevail as instead of wasting time with multiple exclamation points and periods marking the end of each swift and decisive sentence I am free to ignore even the peasant comma (rhythmic little serf that it is) and end my rhetorical triumph no closer to a point than from where I began.
Often times the end of a paragraph is itself confused, as if the author lost track of what they were saying at some point and only ended their thought due to other commitments. Some four sentences ago this resulted in the ambiguity of a question mark. However, let me be clear, this is not a failure to communicate. This is a gesture. This gesture, like many of the conversations we see and hear on television, is to you the audience, and you the audience alone. I have written at length and ended in a question; "What do you think?"
You then will no doubt chat and twitter with pen pals and others about what it is I have asked exactly and, try to remember this part as it is really important, at many points a pause might occur naturally at which you may feel compelled to stop, and in that silence (semicolon's permitting), consider all the information you have just digested.
I caution you dear audience;
IGNORE THIS COMPULSION!!!!!
Run on sentences are the only way to convey a thought or a feeling when nobody really knows what anybody is talking about. This is most of the time. I am a radio personality and I have made my living out of talking without an "off switch." Running water is one of the most soothing sounds in nature and nobody likes a leaky faucet.
So the next time you wish to engage in communication with another guy, gal, or what have you, remember that the best tactic is that of fluidity and confusion, not rhyme or reason. For if rhyme and reason were the fundamental principals governing our universe how would we explain this;
Honestly. What the hell?
Cheers! Chaz Coolington
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Hello all, Chaz Coolington here.
As regular listeners already know, "The Cool Down w/ Chaz Coolington," has been on hiatus for a couple of weeks now. This break has given us all a chance to recharge our batteries a bit. By "us" of course I mean only myself and my ex-wife, the producer of "The Cool Down w/ Chaz Coolington," Lisa Coulington.
She fired everybody else.
That's right. No longer will we receive the razor sharp quips and astute Doppler radar analysis that we have come to expect from Ace Windstorm.
No longer will listeners delight in the often times inexplicably monotone outbursts of John LaFontaine.
Why did all this happen?
Lisa, in the throws of a Katrina like mood storm brought on by the impending birth of her bastard child as well as a well timed (and equally as well acted) vignette me and the boys had cooked up in order to shed some light on her less than clandestine past, did the thing she knew would hurt me the most. She cut down two of the finest radio men working today in their prime. She even tore up Ace's talk show host license which was really mean spirited if you ask me. There was also a time machine involved. Don't ask too many questions.
I'm not going to say it hasn't been hard. I'm not even going to say the lack of support for the "Bring back Ace and John" petition I have yet to get around to making hasn't been disappointing.
All I am going to say is this; I will be back. Next week in fact. And the show is half as long now because only my brother, our super fan Will, and the occasional mafia hitman listen apparently.
You three keep me strong when I shiver alone in the world - Chaz
